During a discussion at school about what parents did for a living the teacher asked one boy what his dad’s job was and the lad said, "My Dad runs the local fire station. He's the station officer." The teacher said, "That’s excellent Simon. Your Dad’s got a very responsible job.” The teacher then asked the boy sat next to him what his dad did and the boy said, “My dad drives an ambulance. He’s in charge of the local ambulance service.” And the teacher said, “That’s fantastic Bobby. Well done.” The teacher then asked another boy what his dad did and the boy replied, “My dad runs the local prison.” And the teacher said, “Excellent, Johnny! Is he the prison governor?” And Johnny said, “No Miss - he's the hardest cunt in there!"
The first time I was sent to jail I took it really badly. I refused to eat or drink. I lashed out and spat and swore at anyone who came near me. I threw chairs and tables around the room. I even smeared my own faeces all over the walls. After that we never played Monopoly ever again in our house! I nearly died once playing Monopoly. I was eating a banana as we were playing it and a piece got stuck in my throat. I was choking and I couldn’t breathe and I collapsed face down on the board. My wife rang an ambulance straight away and when the call handler asked her where I was my wife looked down at me sprawled across the board and said, “Well his head’s on Park Lane, his arms are on Pall Mall, his legs are on the Old Kent Road and his bollocks are at Fenchurch Street Station!”
I was driving down the road the other day with my wife and my two kids and there was a bin lorry in front of us and all of a sudden this huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen and the kids shouted, “WOW! What was that Dad?” Embarrassed, and not wanting to tell them what it really was, I said, “It was just a flying insect.” To which my youngest replied, “Was it? I'm surprised it could get off the fucking ground with a cock that big!”
They were just jokes. Obviously! Which relate to stories in the book. Though Mick Halliwell has been in prison. And a huge dildo didn’t really fall out of the back of a bin lorry and bounce off Mick’s windscreen as he was driving behind it with his wife and kids. And his youngest didn’t say that either. Though if Mick was driving behind a bin lorry with his wife and kids and a huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen Mick’s youngest probably would come out with something like that!
Brought up on a tough council estate in the north of England, Mick Halliwell learnt young that life wasn’t a bed of roses. And that it was mostly booze, abuse, sadness and violence. And somehow finding something about it all to laugh at - even in the darkest moments. And after being brought up by a strict domineering alcoholic dad who committed suicide, and being callously beaten to a pulp at school by one teacher and sexually accosted by another ‘nonce’ teacher, and caring for his mum through the awfulness and “horrors” of dementia until the day she died, Mick learnt all about the facts of life a lot sooner than most people do. And with having gone through such traumatic events it’s not surprising he ended up going down the path he did. A path that led to him mixing with dangerous criminals and multiple murderers, being sent to prison, seeing his best friend shot dead in a gangland hit, see sex offenders lose their eyes after being viciously attacked in their prison cell with spear like broom handles, and seeing firsthand just how easy it is to get drawn into the world of drugs. (And once involved in that world how hard it is to get out of it.) And add to that arrange meetings for stars of Hollywood to meet well known UK underworld figures to help them prepare for film roles, be attacked with meat cleavers and machetes, be wrongfully arrested - and then taking the police on, and winning, and in the process of doing so finding out for himself that without question there really is two-tier policing in this country, and confront notorious paedophiles after catching one eyeing up his young daughter (what a mistake that nonce made) it’d be fair to say that not many people have led the kind of life that Mick has led. Not many would want to either!!
Told with brutal honesty, zero self-pity, and absolutely no filter, Mick’s book is packed with shocking true-life events, disturbing encounters, damaged people, and the kind of stories you couldn’t make up if you tried. Written with razor-sharp humour, the stories swing from the savage and the cruel to the side splittingly funny - often in the same paragraph. And with moments of hate, moments of tragedy, and moments of utter madness, if you enjoy gritty true-life stories this is a book you won’t forget in a hurry. And it’s a book that ordinary, everyday people will resonate with.
Imagine Guy Ritchie’s MobLand, The Gentleman, and Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, along with The Sopranos and Line of Duty rolled into one with the Inbetweeners and Borat running around in the middle of it all causing chaos. That’ll give you some kind of idea of what Mick’s book is like!
From the frightening to the fascinating to the sadistic and the shocking, and from the horrific to the hilarious to the heartbreaking and the inhumane, Mick’s stories will have you crying, cringing, wincing, wailing and lost for words. His stories will have you in stitches laughing too. And several people required stitches during the writing of one or two of them!
So why not put your feet up (unlike the fella in the sticks and stones story you’ll still be able to walk when you put them back down again) and read a book that will have you laughing hysterically one minute and emotionally concerned the next.
Story titles include
Just Be Yourself.
And If People Don’t Like You For Who You Are Then Fuck ‘Em
Polly Put The Kettle On.
And When It’s Boiled Pour It All Over Your Husband’s Bollocks
Hickory Dickory Dock
My Wife Sliced Off My Cock!
Strangeways Here We Come
Old Mac Donald Had A Cannabis Farm
Only Fools And Horse Steroids
The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round
And When The Bus Stops A Paedophile Gets On
The Worried Wizard Of Aus
(Those Machetes Can Do A Lot Of Damage)
Sticks And Stones Will Break Your Bones
But Concrete Lintels Do A Far Better Job
Live By The Sword Die By The Bullet
And That Pretty Much Sums Dementia Up
Excuse Me. Do You Know Your Husband’s Fly’s Are Undone
And Half Of His Cock’s Hanging Out?
If In Doubt Don’t Fuck About. Get To The Doctors And Get Your Prostate Checked Out. A Finger Up The Arse Is Better Than A Nail In Your Coffin
(Like Pete Ended Up Having In His)
Snow White And The Seven Well Hung Dwarfs
How To Scare Your Kids Shitless At Bedtime
(It’s A Dad Thing)
You Wait Eight Days For A Copper To Come
And Then Five Turn Up At Once
Reality Television?
I’d Rather Sandpaper My Balls
I’m A Celebrity!
You’re Also A Tight Cunt!!
Regret:
How A Moment Of Rage Left One Man Dead, Left Three Kids
Without A Dad, And Shattered The Lives Of Two Families
You’ve Called Your Dog Gary Glitter?
Yes, He Loves Playing With Kids!
Three scripts based on the book are also to be written. One is a drama based on the story ‘Regret’. The other is a gangland drama based on the story Live By The Sword Die By The Bullet, and other similar stories that are in the book. And the third is a comedy/drama based on the book itself. The book is also helping raise awareness for prostate cancer. The story about Mick’s mate Pete will no doubt encourage more men to go to the doctors if they think something might be wrong. (It’ll be far more effective than any campaign Prostate Cancer UK do that’s for sure.)
And remember, don’t take life too seriously. Have a laugh and a joke and live life to the full and make every second count. Because out of the blue life will kick you right in the bollocks.
Available to download here (use the preview button to read the foreword): https://payhip.com/b/swDuW
Also Available
Everyone's Got A Story To Tell
There’s an old saying that everyone’s got a book in them. But it is just that, a saying. Because in reality most people would struggle to write a few pages let alone write a complete book and fill it with stories that would make it interesting from beginning to end. However even though most people would struggle to write a complete book, everyone, no matter who they are or what walk of life they come from has got at least one story they could tell that someone else would find interesting, be it funny, sad, moving, inspiring or bizarre.
Everyone’s Got A Story To Tell is a collection of such stories, written by ordinary people. Though their stories are far from ordinary…
Story titles include
Why You Should Always Make Sure Your Tent Is Zipped Up At Night When Camping In The Jungle
John, a Marine in the United States Army, was on an expedition in South East Asia, and in the middle of the night he and the rest of his unit were woken by frantic screams of “Help” and “Get it off me!” coming from one of the tents. And when they ran to their friend’s aide and ripped his tent open they couldn’t quite believe what they saw; their friend was being swallowed alive by an 18ft python.
I Saw My Dad Commit Suicide And Twenty Five Years Later My Best Friend Did Exactly The Same Thing To Me
When Kieran was thirteen when he came home from school one day and his dad asked him to go to the shops to get some flowers for his mum, which he did. And when he returned he found his dad hanging from the loft hatch with a rope around his neck. His dad had committed suicide knowing his son would be the one that found him. And, as the title of his story says, years later his best friend did the same thing – he’d hung himself knowing that Kieran would be the one who would find him. This is one of the stories in the book to do with mental health which Mick received a letter off Prince William regarding. (HRH Prince William is part of the Heads Together mental health charity.)
Would You Like Vegetables With Your Dinner Mr Billionaire? Yes, I would. And Make Sure The Asparagus Is The ‘Right Way Up’ On My Plate (And If It’s Not You’ll Be Sacked On The Spot)
Some people get sacked for being persistently late. Some people get sacked for bad workmanship. And others get the chop if they step out of line when they’re on their final warning. And some people get sacked for putting asparagus ‘upside down’ on a plate! Lucy’s business involves providing staff to the mega rich, the sort who won’t bat an eye lid at spending £4,000 on a cardigan for their 4yr old daughter, spend £15,000 on a bed, spend £50,000 on Christmas decorations and give their wives a £70,000 a year handbag allowance. They also won’t bat an eyelid at sacking a servant on the spot for putting asparagus on their plate with the tips facing the wrong way to how they like them. Welcome to the world of the super rich.
Did Our Dogs Know Something Awful Was Going To Happen To My Husband?
Jean always thought it was ‘poppycock’ that dogs had a sixth sense and that they could sense danger. But she now thinks very differently. Her three dogs started behaving very strangely one day as her husband was about to go to work and they tried to prevent him from leaving the house. Then later that night at 10.20pm they began howling and barking and wailing which she thought was very strange indeed. Little did she know that at 10.22pm her husband would be killed in a road traffic accident on his way home from work.
The Most Barbaric Act I’ve Ever Reported On
Envisage being tied to a chair and forced to watch as a loved one is shot dead in front of you. Then envisage standing by their grave at their funeral and seeing them being buried and imagine how much heartache you’d be going through. And now envisage opening your front door one morning two weeks after you’d buried them and seeing their corpse propped up against a wall opposite your house. It’d be pretty horrendous wouldn’t it? Well imagine how it must feel to be forced to watch not just one loved one being shot dead in front of you, but being forced to watch as every single member of your family - including your wife, your kids, your grandchild and your mum and dad - are shot dead in front of you, and then seeing ALL their corpses outside your house when you open your front door one morning. Well one poor guy doesn’t have to imagine how that would feel. He knows how it feels, because it happened to him. And it’s the kind of thing that happens when you cross the Mexican drug cartels.
Ozzy Osbourne Helps Me Escape From My Graveyard
Due to his depression, the guy in this story was on the verge of committing suicide and if it wasn’t for him hearing Ozzy Osbourne’s song Under The Graveyard on the radio - in which Ozzy sings about the time he thought about taking his own life - he probably would have done it. The bizarre thing is that this guy had no reason whatsoever to be depressed. He had a well paid job. He was happily married with three beautiful kids. He had no money worries. And he and his family were financially secure. But one morning he woke up and Bang! It hit him. And he’s suffered with bouts of depression ever since. The mind certainly works in peculiar ways – as his story shows. This is another of the stories to do with mental health which Mick received a letter off Prince William regarding.
Justice With A Grave Outcome
People often say that if anyone ever harmed their kids they’d kill them but the truth is that most people who say it wouldn’t actually do it even if they got the chance and that's because there’s a big difference between saying it and doing it. However some people DO mean it. Also, for some, simply killing the person responsible for harming their kid isn't enough. They want to make them suffer first. And when someone attacked this man’s friend’s daughter not only did they make the perpetrator suffer they made him suffocate – by burying him alive. They were also assisted by a serving police officer who tipped them off to the man’s whereabouts after a fellow officer’s daughter had been molested by the same man.
My Daughter Tries To Kill Me When I’m Asleep At Night
There’s always been a history of sleepwalking in Hannah’s family. She used to do it. Her brother used to do it. And her father used to do it as well. And now Hannah’s daughter does it too. The difference is that when Hannah, her brother and her father used to sleepwalk they never tried to kill anyone whilst doing it, whereas her daughter has tried to kill Hannah on several occasions whilst she’s been asleep in bed herself. Including by hitting her over the head with the bedside lamp and by wrapping the flex of the lamp around Hannah’s neck trying to throttle her with it. But the most frightening time was when Hannah woke up to find her daughter stood by the bed holding a pair of scissors with both hands above her head as though she was about to sacrifice her.
On The Right Track - To Instant Death
It’s every train drivers worst nightmare: seeing someone take their own life by jumping in front of their train. Unfortunately for Terry from Kingston Upon Thames it’s happened to him three times. And on the third occasion one man even wanted to ‘fight’ his train, and he stood in the middle of the track, rolled up his sleeves, clenched his fists and drew his arm back to throw a punch. But there’s only ever going to be one winner when a thirteen stone man squares up to a 200 tonne diesel locomotive that’s hurtling towards him at 100mph. (This story also relates to mental health issues.)
The Man Who Has Saved The Lives Of Over Two And A Half Million Babies
The name James Harrison won’t be a name that’s familiar to 99% of women. But if you’ve got children and you gave birth to them from around the mid 1960’s onwards and during your pregnancy you were diagnosed with Rhesus disease then you’ve got this man to thank for your child being born safely because it was his blood – and his subsequent one thousand blood donations, which is a record – that helped find a cure for a disease that caused thousands of babies to die every year or be born with irreversible brain damage, and through his donations James Harrison has helped prevent the deaths of literally millions of babies worldwide.
The Democratic Republic of Congo: Hell on Earth
Be prepared to be shocked when you read this story. We said that some of the stories in the book are horrific and this UN worker’s story is one of them. The atrocities and monstrous acts she has seen carried out by rebels and so called ‘armies’ in the DRC beggars belief. She tells of how one girl was gang raped by a group of around forty rebels and after they’d raped her they cut her arm off just above her elbow and forced it into her vagina so that just the hand was sticking out. They then all stood around her laughing whilst videoing it on their phones. Another girl was gang raped whilst her dad was forced to watch and afterwards they forced her dad to rape her too and said that if he didn’t they’d shoot them both dead. Boys have also been forced to rape their own sisters and rape their own mums and one teenage boy who was forced to rape his own mum was shot in the back of the head whilst doing it and died on top of her. Witchcraft and cannibalism is also commonplace. It really is hell on earth - yet governments from around the world turn a blind eye to it.
Was Likeable Larry Lunching Alone Or Lobbing His Loved Ones Limbs In The Lake?
When she was younger, Pat, from Cumbria, used to work for a boat hire company on Lake Windermere and every Wednesday ‘Likeable Larry’ as they nicknamed him and his wife ‘Battle-Axe Brenda’ as they nicknamed her - due to her constant nagging and belittling of her husband - used to hire a boat and go out onto the lake and have lunch. Then one Wednesday Larry turned up alone and said that his wife was poorly at home and he went out onto the lake for lunch by himself. And he turned up the following day too – and for the next four days after that as well. And each time he took a parcel that was wrapped in black plastic out of his picnic hamper and dropped it into the water in the middle of the lake. And then Pat never saw him again. WAS Larry lunching alone? And is Battle-Axe Brenda now lying at the bottom - of various parts - of Lake Windermere?
Buggered If I Know What Happened
Vicky has seen some strange sights during her time working on reception at A&E at her local hospital, none stranger than the night a man came walking in with half a cucumber stuck in his anus. And when he told her how it got there she and her colleagues could hardly contain themselves. The man told her that he liked to cook in the nude and he said that as he was making a salad he knocked the cucumber off the kitchen work top and as he grabbed it he slipped on some cooking oil that he’d spilt on the floor and his leg gave way and he fell and landed on his backside with his hand that had the cucumber in it underneath him and the cucumber went up his bum! Hmmm.... You can make your own minds up on that one after you’ve read it!
Other Stories include
Our Wedding Photo Caught A Murderer
Two Timing Premiership Footballer Scores Spectacular (And Rather Expensive) Own Goal
Confessions Of An Innovative Drug Smuggler
How To Give Up Armed Robbery And Get Away With Taking Money From Banks Legally(ish)
Sold!! And The Drunken, Drug dealing, Drug Taking, Prostituting, Sex Addicted, Sex Offending, Conning, Dirty, Filthy, Disgusting, Weird Vendors And Tenants Moved On To Pastures New
He/Him? She/Her? Non-binary? Only Arse Lickers, Attention Seekers And ‘Sheep’ Use Pronouns (And They’re Messing Kids Heads Up And Encouraging Them To Become Gay)
Reward A Violent Disruptive Pupil With A PlayStation, Or Give The Little Bastard A Belt Around The Head?
A Golden Mile Of Paedophiles. Sun Sea Sand And Sex Offenders: Welcome To The Dark Side Of Blackpool
Available to download here (use the preview button to read the foreword): https://payhip.com/b/TtvoQ
Can You Spare A Multi-Millionaire A Pound Please
If a tramp asked you if you could spare him a cigarette and after you kindly gave him one he took £200 out of his pocket and gave it to you what would you think? Or if you saw a homeless man sat in a shop doorway and you gave him a bit of loose change and he got up and gave you a handful of £20 notes how would you react? And imagine just how elated you'd feel if you were up to your eye balls in debt and were about to be evicted from your home and a Good Samaritan came along and cleared your rent arrears for you and paid off all your debts and then paid for you and your two kids to go to Disney World in Florida. Well those scenarios - and dozens more like them - have actually happened. And the ‘tramp’ and the 'homeless man' and the Good Samaritan are one and the same person.
Whilst driving his car one day, Adam Gleeson pulled onto a pay and display car park and as he walked towards the machine to get a ticket he noticed a man sat in a Bentley Continental, a car that was worth around £150,000, parked in the bay next to the machine. And as Adam was getting his ticket the man got out of the Bentley and asked him could he spare him a £1 so he too could get a ticket. Adam started laughing and jokingly said to the man, “Are you taking the mickey?! You’re driving a car like that and you’re asking me for a pound!”
The man explained that he’d left his house without his wallet and didn’t have any change for a ticket and so Adam thought well it’s something we’ve all done, left the house without any money, and he gave the man a pound coin so he could get a car parking ticket. And the man thanked him. Put his hand in his pocket. Took two £50 notes out. Gave them to Adam - along with his £1 coin back - and got in his Bentley and drove off!
It transpired that Adam had just past one of Tom’s - the driver of the Bentley - kindness tests that he sometimes does where he rewards people for showing kindness towards others. It also transpired that Tom was a multi-millionaire worth in excess of £100 million and who one day realised that he’d never get around to spending all the money he’s got, so he started giving it away - to complete strangers in bizarre and unusual ways, leaving them totally bewildered into the bargain.
From sending hundreds of pounds inside Christmas cards to people he’s never met, to hiding wads of cash inside newspapers on the London Underground for people to find and leaving it hanging out of cash dispensers for people to take, to clearing a single mum’s debts and paying for her and her two young daughters to go on a dream holiday to Disney World in Florida which totalled over £10,000, to taking another family he'd never met before out on his yacht for the day in Majorca and then paying for their holiday too, which amounted to over £5,000. He's also put a homeless man up in a hotel in Brighton for a week and thrown $100 dollar bills (the equivalent of a week’s wage) out of his hotel window in Thailand to local Thai people on the street below!
Tom also tells of why he once gave a woman in Tesco's a £100 because she sneezed, carried a nurse's shopping to her car for her and then gave her £250, bought an elderly couple an expensive plasma television in Curry's, how he goes into shops and hides money inside clothes and books for people to find when they buy them and take them home, why he paid for fifty people’s MOT's at a garage, and how he asked a road sweeper if he believed in the saying 'where there's muck there's money' and then watched as he dived into his own litter bin after he told him he'd just thrown a thousand pounds in it!
Bizarre? Slightly Odd? Maybe. Does Tom's generosity brighten up people's day and put a smile on their faces? Definitely. And to Tom that's all that matters. And it's one of the most remarkable stories you'll ever read.
Tom’s book is now being made into a film.
Available to download here: https://payhip.com/b/Xz164
Not All Husbands Are Annoying – Some Are Dead
I remember WHERE I married my husband and I remember WHEN I married my husband. I just can’t remember WHY I married him.
Three words that will shatter your husband’s ego: Is it in?
My friend said to me, “My husband left me the other day, I’ve tried crying but tears just won’t come out. What can I do to make myself cry?” So I said, “Imagine he’s come back again.”
What do toilets, birthdays and anniversaries have in common? Husbands miss them all.
I was at a boxing match not so long ago and one of the boxers got knocked out in the first round and my husband said to me, “That was boring, it was all over in less than a minute.” So I said to him, “Now you know how I feel when we have sex.”
A woman went to the doctors to get her husband’s blood test results and the receptionist said to her, “We’ll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sample of your husband’s semen.” So the woman said, “I’ll drop a pair of his underpants off tomorrow.”
My husband was in the kitchen cooking my breakfast for me last Sunday when all of a sudden I heard a loud thud. So I ran in and found him lying collapsed unconscious on the floor, blue in the face and not breathing. I panicked at first and didn’t know what to do and I started to get really worried. Then I remembered…. Wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for just £4.99
Ruth Jennings was happily married for ten years. Ten out of thirty isn't bad! She's now happily divorced, and to celebrate she's released this book which is crammed full of jokes about husbands and marriage. And if you're married, or divorced like Ruth is, you'll find it absolutely hilarious!
Contains strong language and adult humour.
Available to download here: https://payhip.com/b/4c6JR
Bollocks To Christmas
‘Tis the season to be jolly. If you like Christmas that is!
On the other hand, if you dread the thought of going to the school nativity, can’t stand having to go to Pantomimes, don’t look forward to spending hours putting up the Christmas tree and the decorations (only to find that half the bulbs don’t work) get sick and tired of carol singers knocking on your front door, get sick to death of hearing Noddy Holder scream “It’s Christmaaaaaassss!” every time you turn the radio on (and hear that ‘Bing’ is still dreaming of a white Christmas) get fed up of watching The Great Escape and The Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special (from 1972), don’t look forward to being woken up at four o’clock on Christmas morning by the kids bursting in your bedroom and jumping up and down on your bed shouting “Has he been yet!”, begrudge having to pay £65 a head in your local pub on Christmas day for what’s basically a Sunday roast (that’ll cost you fifteen quid any other time of year) and begrudge having to pay to get in your local pub on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve (the same pub that you spend your hard earned money in every weekend year round), hate being dragged around the packed Christmas markets (that sell overpriced tat, and have to pay eight quid for a hot dog and a fiver for a bag of sweets that you can get in your local newsagents for a pound), loathe having to endure the chaos of Christmas food shopping (and watch people buy three of everything even though the shops are only shut 24 hours), get irritated - and bored shitless - shopping for Christmas presents, and hate everything about Christmas in general - and then dread the thought of getting your credit card bill in January and having to pay for the it all, then for you it’s probably the season that makes you feel jolly miserable!
Though whether you love Christmas or dread it, this festive adult ditty is guaranteed to strike a chord. Contains extremely strong language and adult humour. As you’ve probably guessed from the cover! So don’t let the kids read it!!
Available to download here: https://payhip.com/b/xgkK7
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