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During a discussion at school about what parents did for a living the teacher asked one boy what his dad’s job was and the lad said, "My Dad runs the local fire station. He's the station officer." The teacher said, "That’s excellent Simon. Your Dad’s got a very responsible job.” The teacher then asked the boy sat next to him what his dad did and the boy said, “My dad drives an ambulance. He’s in charge of the local ambulance service.” And the teacher said, “That’s fantastic Bobby. Well done.” The teacher then asked another boy what his dad did and the boy replied, “My dad runs the local prison.” And the teacher said, “Excellent, Johnny! Is he the prison governor?” And Johnny said, “No Miss - he's the hardest cunt in there!"

The first time I was sent to jail I took it really badly. I refused to eat or drink. I lashed out and spat and swore at anyone who came near me. I threw chairs and tables around the room. I even smeared my own faeces all over the walls. After that we never played Monopoly ever again in our house! I nearly died once playing Monopoly. I was eating a banana as we were playing it and a piece got stuck in my throat. I was choking and I couldn’t breathe and I collapsed face down on the board. My wife rang an ambulance straight away and when the call handler asked her where I was my wife looked down at me sprawled across the board and said, “Well his head’s on Park Lane, his arms are on Pall Mall, his legs are on the Old Kent Road and his bollocks are at Fenchurch Street Station!”

I was driving down the road the other day with my wife and my two kids and there was a bin lorry in front of us and all of a sudden this huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen and the kids shouted, “WOW! What was that Dad?” Embarrassed, and not wanting to tell them what it really was, I said, “It was just a flying insect.” To which my youngest replied, “Was it? I'm surprised it could get off the fucking ground with a cock that big!”

They were just jokes, obviously! Which relate to stories in the book. Though Mick Halliwell has been in prison. And a huge dildo didn’t really fall out of the back of a bin lorry and bounce off Mick’s windscreen as he was driving behind it with his wife and kids. And his youngest didn’t say that either. Though if Mick was driving behind a bin lorry with his wife and kids and a huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen Mick’s youngest probably would come out with something like that! And that’s because the apple never falls far from the tree.

Brought up on a tough council estate in the north of England, Mick Halliwell learnt young that life wasn’t a bed of roses. And that it was mostly booze, abuse, sadness and violence. And somehow finding something about it all to laugh at - even in the darkest moments. And after being viciously beaten up at school by one teacher and sexually accosted by another ‘nonce’ teacher, Mick learnt all about the facts of life a lot sooner than most people do. And having been brought up by a strict domineering alcoholic dad who committed suicide, and having witnessed firsthand the devastating effects that depression and mental health issues can have on people, and having cared for his mum through the awfulness and “horrors” of dementia until the day she died, and in-between mixed with dangerous criminals and multiple murderers, had best friends that were shot dead in gangland hits, spent time in prison, seen how easy it is to get drawn into the world of drugs (and once involved in that world how hard it is to get out of it) witnessed domestic abuse, seen sex offenders lose their eyes after being viciously attacked in their prison cell with spear like broom handles - and confronted notorious paedophiles after one “eyed up” his young daughter, arranged meetings for stars of Hollywood to meet well known UK underworld figures to help them prepare for film roles, and been attacked with meat cleavers and machetes - not to mention being wrongly arrested, taking the police on (and winning) and finding out for himself that without question there certainly is two-tier policing in this country, then it’d be fair to say that not many people have led the kind of life that Mick has led. Not many would want to either!!

Told with brutal honesty, zero self-pity, and absolutely no filter, Mick’s book, which is in the final stages of being written, is packed with shocking true-life events, disturbing encounters, damaged people, and the kind of stories you couldn’t make up if you tried. Written with razor-sharp humour, the stories swing from the savage and the cruel to the side splittingly funny - often in the same paragraph. And with moments of hate, moments of tragedy, and moments of utter chaos, if you enjoy gritty jaw-dropping brutal - and brutally funny - true-life stories, this is a book you won’t forget in a hurry. And it’s a book that millions of ordinary everyday people the world over will resonate with.

His story is compelling, captivating, touching, and at times, sad. And his stories will have you crying, cringing, wincing, wailing and lost for words. Though above all the stories will have you in stitches laughing. And several people required stitches during the writing of one or two of them! Including Mick!! And the valuable lessons that Mick learnt in life ensured that the two apples that fell from his tree had the kind of childhood and upbringing that was completely the opposite from the one he had - a happy, loving, fun filled one. One that every kid should have.

As Mick says, “I always try and see the funny side of things. Life can be shit at times, and that’s why you’ve got to make the most of it - and have a laugh along the way. Don’t take life too seriously. Live life to the full and make every second count. Because out of the blue life will kick you right in the bollocks. Not everyone has got the same sense of humour. And some will enjoy the book and find it funny, and others won’t. But if it brings a smile to at least one person’s face then it’s been worth writing.”

We’re got a funny feeling that it’ll bring more than a smile to more than one person’s face…